11:27 PM; Logan—bed
Jess lays beside me reading her Kindle. We just got back from seeing Get Out with Molly and Jimmy. It was a lot of fun. :) The whole morning I was stressed as fuck because last night at Molly’s show, I found out she got into USC and I was hurt she didn’t tell me. Jess was disapproving. I’ve been unable to cope with such upsets ever since the fight with Mom and Dad in Chris’ office the day before Valentine’s Day. I’ve been a nervous, paranoid wreck. Miraculously, I’ve remained functional, if not borderline. I was convinced, for instance, this morning that I was going to have to end things with Molly because she’s not as communicative as I am and appears to prioritize work over relationships, but the truth is that I don’t know her reasons, her nature, or intentions—it’s too early to know such things. But I’m so terrified of getting hurt, my brain goes into high alert protection mode. I talked to Erin and luckily she reminded me there was a reason in abstaining from assumptions. So when I met up with Molly after work, I asked her simply, and she replied simply: she wanted to tell me in person, and she said I’ll be the first person to know about whether she gets into UCLA or not. And then she pet and kissed me the rest of the evening and made me and my friends laugh. So of course I’m back to being head over heels smitten.
Mom called today. I haven’t talked to her since the session (a week after I got her angry call about Aunt Jill knowing). It was a living nightmare, that session, and the days that followed I suffered immensely—the darkest of darks. I had ideations of hanging myself. But by the grace of my friendships, and perhaps the resilience of surviving so much heartbreak, I was able to survive the days without sabotaging myself. I still feel unhinged. I believe my brain is chemically unbalanced at this point—but I’m riding it out. I don’t know what I would do without my friends. Or my job. My job is a lifesaver. This life right now feels amorphous and dangerously unpredictable, yet at the same time everything is the way it should be. I have a good job, I’m dating a good match, I have wonderful friends. I’m working on my boundaries with my family. The only thing missing is a feeling of sanity. Perhaps that’s also the way it should be. Especially in these times.
I suppose I should include in these writings some note about the incredible unbelievability that is our political climate. Utter nightmare. Inconceivable ridiculous horror. Everyday there is an apocalypse of some sort. We all live in the fantasy of some old dream of our country, knowing it is a dream all the while. The truth of our days is horrific. How do we go about our business? That is why evenings like tonight are so sweet to me. Joy is scarce. We all feel the impermanence. Our fragility. Our mortality. We could all be locked up one day—we censor our speech. We could suffer the hatred of our enemies and burn. We could suffer the hatred of our own countrymen. We already do.
It’s like living in Harry Potter. We haven’t witnessed the carnage of war firsthand, but we see it in our social media feeds. We know it’s there, and it’s destined for us. Life is so short for so many.