11:47 AM; Logan Blvd—bed
Last night I got back from climbing (after jamming with Jeff, after chatting with Nick, after visiting Tanner at Uncharted) [catching up with all my white male homies, apparently], and I got ready to go out with Cathy and her queer lady posse to Slo Mo, but she ghosted and I ended up staying in and getting high while on the phone with Desirée and of course I got paranoid and was having lots of thoughts (not to mention gchatting Molly like a fool), but one of my realizations was that I feel like I’m reallt bad at being accepting of the “easy” version of myself. Aka, I’m trying too hard all the time, aka I try to control myself and don’t check in with my actual feelings because I’m too attached to a version of myself that I want to be. I don’t know why I do this. I don’t know when it started, even, although most likely it’s been a looooong time. It happens mostly at night, I think, or maybe only when I get a plan in my head and those plans are foiled. I’m not good at coming back to myself… or is it that I’m just indecisive? How does one figure that out?
[Left diary open and unattended on bed side]