12:16 AM; 1253 Thorndale
The night is cool and quiet. I spent my evening in the company of Jeff and we jammed and laughed and I feel nearly completely revived. Last night I had spent time crying with both Sarah and Eze and Alyssa re: trauma and my anxieties about the oncoming autumn, i.e. holiday season. I’ve been having a good time with Mom and Dad, and then the dread set in terribly. I had asked Mom over backgammon if she had read tarot and what did it say. She didn’t want to talk about it. Dad wants to meet me in therapy next week. My alarms are going off. What are they expecting of me? I’ve been living my life, which has been extremely busy. I have heard nothing from Carlos, as I haven’t expected to, but that also means my life has been relatively peaceful. Sure, I’m still traumatized, but I’ve also been making other types of progress.
For instance, I have sabotaged myself in regards to my job and Tiffany (although perhaps I’ve come close). I’ve established a healthy relationship with Alyssa. I’ve moved without losing my shit out of a violent home and into a completely new neighborhood. I’m still meeting my creative deadlines via The Nightside. I’m paying my bills and saving some money. Never have I had so much friend abundance. So yeah, I’ve been carrying on with my life to many good ends.
Oof—just reread stuff from past months. I still think about Molly all the time. I wonder what she’d think about my current open relationship. I want to know how L.A. is treating her. I want to know whether she ever thinks of me.
Friend updates: had dimsum with Tanner the other week and checked out his new digs. It felt sorta weird—we hasn’t hung out in ages. Just went to Bryant’s new show last week with Liz and Luke. Bryant’s dad is now in the ICU. Missed Sara’s bridal shower because I got in a car accident, but we went out for Korean BBQ to make up for it this past week. Kellie sent me pics of bridesmaid dresses today. Orange. Maia and I have sorta fallen out of touch since she involved herself with that 16-year-old. Not sure if it’s still going on, but afraid to ask. Erin and I caught up about the solar eclipse. I still have mosquito bite scars all over my legs. Erin tried a new trauma recovery method that I’m curious to try. Liz invited me out to a play a few weeks ago and it was very good and triggering. We always have such a good time. Ari and I have become very good friends. We climb and talk on the phone a lot. She’s now dating Alyssa’s friend Megan. Jessface came into town a few weeks ago and announced her departure for Hong Kong? It was very nice having her here to warm my new place. Hung out with Carly and Aisha and freaked out about Tiffany. The ICAH b-day party was pretty cool—worlds collided. Desiree has gotten me thinking about the YAP a lot and my role in the world. Caught up with Dan Rodriguez a few days ago and that’s always refreshing.
Other than that, I’m doing a lot of adulting. Insurance. Bills. Paying off debt. Cleaning. Organizing. I seriously need to coordinate a week to overhaul my website and organize my creative goals. It’s not even September yet and I feel like September is over. Time keeps speeding by. What the hell will the next 30 days bring. Need to remain grounded/centered. Need to focus on art for once. Write. Paint. Think. READ.