1:51 AM before daylight savings time?; Logan Blvd—bed
Today I woke up feeling incredibly shitty and disconnected from the world, but then Erin called and we talked about my pain, fears, sadness, anxiety, and by the time we got off the phone, I felt able to go on with my day. I met Liz for lunch and we visited a bookstore and I drew an ofrenda for Abuela on her chalkboard wall. Then I went home and found out Sara couldn’t hang, so I made some calls and landed on Nat, who was down to come over and I ended up telling them everything about my situation with the fam and my anxiety that I direct to Molly and the philosophies I have about art and the nature of relationships (micro vs. macro) and the inconsistencies I have about my beliefs about the world and my relationship to it. We got high and ate pickles and I told them the story about foosball and Ronnie and work worries. We talked and talked the night away and it was wonderful. Then Molly finally texted back and I was briefly comforted before returning to my general state of insecurity, which I’m plagued with. What would it take for me to feel secure? Nat asked. I don’t know. Accomplishment? Promises? Would these things even be enough? I think a general return to consistency would probably help. But when the fuck will that happen? So back to the drawing board of self-care, which today meant talking Nat’s ear off and crying and finding some truth. I dread nightmaring. The true plague of my life.
I suppose, like loneliness, we might inherit nightmares, maybe? Could that be possible?
Tomorrow I’m supposed to play board games with Sarah and Ezekiel. The maybe catch dinner with Scott and his crew. And then prepare for a hell of a week at work.
Molly’s Liz want to take us out to dinner Wednesday night apparently. I’m not sure what to expect. But it’s a good thing, undoubtedly. I hope I pass the test.
Now it’s magically past 3:00 AM. Crazy, time. Spring ahead. Yes, I do welcome springtime. Blooming trees, the smell of mud, fuck—then my birthday! Oh God. It’s almost time. Gross. #274evr Late 20s D: