October 28, 2021

3:44 PM; Los Robles couch

Watching Dune as I work on the pitch deck for Rainbow Ranch.

How joyful today has been—spoke to Leslie, who taught me how to cleanse my labradorite ring which I had thrown at Allie at the hospital before the cops chased me.

I signed the lease after much anxiety. Eartha rubs her face on my toes. It’s so strange that she always smells sweet like watermelon.

I glimpsed Aisha today as she was walking back from her car. I take that as a good sign. Today I pulled The Gentleman card with the Park. Perhaps my wizard is cooking magic for me.

I’m trying to take in all the signs.

Yesterday was Star Day—I went to the pumpkin patch and corn maze with Jim. On the way there, I smoked THC for the first time since starting the drugs. I had a vision of becoming mayor, of teaching young people how to lead. Of beauty and prosperity. I felt connected to my former self. My anxiety was replaced with patient excitement and gratitude. It is a relief to know that relief is one joint away (Venom OG sativa).

I think I’ll take a break from business to read more about Spiritual Cleansing. I went to Vroman’s and found a very important tome: American Brujería. I’m multi-liminal! Extra magical, as Leslie concurns.

I find it interesting that the Harkonnen are so fat, white, rich, and obsessed with money/power.

I am so curious to learn just how bright/powerful I will become. I can’t wait to DO IT RIGHT. With all the help from my eagles. Lydia. Therese. Katarina. Enid. Leslie. Aisha. Haydee.

I wonder why I have trained myself for G-forces via rollercoasters. Is it simply a human pleasure or will I be tossed about on a dragonfly? Be slow. Stay slow. Pray. Take it easy. Recline in the captain’s chair.

October 26, 2021

6:37 AM; couch

Last night I was scrolling Insta and came upon a trans model. I watched their video of transformation on T. I began to cry. I am trans. When Allie got home from her walk with Wigs, we took a bath and I wept. I feel afraid. I feel better. I am supported. I’m not even 1/2 way through the year at 32, and discoveries never seem to end.

Monday October 25, 2021

7:30 AM; Los Robles table

Did not pray. Most likely got distracted by the many books I’ve recently acquired. Currently listening to music on my headphones while the money candle Leslie recommended burns. Just finished writing a bit for my new Ghost page—funny how writing isn’t difficult now that I have assertions. I’m almost annoyingly appreciative of my time in the hospital now. It was my version of the hand in the box—went to see Dune last night by myself. It was so good. I cried multiple times due to the intensity of the message. And the music. And the visuals. A masterpiece. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll have time in this life to write my novel. And see it translated on screen. Now I pray! After I drink water.

I let my fear pass through me.

Sunday October 24, 2021

6:11 AM; Ojai—Encino Airbnb desk

I begin with a sigh—so much happening/changing, how to document it? Allie and I had a fight yesterday which left me feeling lonely and unwilling to reach out to anyone. I think of Abuela and all the time she spent/survived alone.

The card I pulled for today: Amor. I picked up my phone to check Instagram and Aisha popped right up, which was a surprise since she blocked my main account. But I was signed into my backup account, which she did not block. Not very much activity since we last talked before the hospitalization, which is a relief… can’t live without me! ;)

Listening to Lianne La Havas from “Spring ‘17,” which was ICAH times. Crazy world.

I feel less lonely knowing that God is a clown. I laugh more.

Things continue to move at light speed. So happy my destined apartment is owned by sweet weirdos. Really looking forward to becoming part of this new family. The excitement does not relieve my anxiety.

Before heading here, I lost my wallet and was incredibly tempted to consult the cards, but Leslie’s wisdom rang in my head: pray! So I did. And the wallet appeared.

So off I go to pray.